Early Mormor Musing

Romance in Nigeria the Hollywood Way 3

Next, those road trips couples make in Hollywood movies are really cool but not feasible in Nigeria. If you’re in Lagos, before you get out of the endless traffic, the leave you took from work to go on a romantic trip would have lapsed meaning the journey might end before it starts.
That aside, where are you going drive to?

Ikwuano Road? Benin Ore Road? Do potholes turn you on? Okay you want to drive to the North? You know those Boko Haram guys have no time to watch romantic Hollywood movies. They won’t even give you an opportunity to explain who Jack from Titanic is before they separate your head from your body.

Fantasy 8; Romantic road trips ✗✗✗

Next, I wanted a situation where my lover will be the first person to send me a sms everyday with something romantic like “Goodmorning Sunshine”. Unfortunately, that is impossible in Nigeria because MTN will beat him to it. Before his messages delivers, I must have gotten about four good morning sms from MTNN, 4100, 5030 and 33314 making MTN my main boyfriend.

Fantasy 9; Goodmorning sunshine messages ✗✗✗

Since every romantic idea I though of didn’t seem feasible, I tried out taking a long walk with Loverboy late in the evening while we held hands. This should be easy and there are no risks I thought. Loverboy reluctantly agreed to that just to satisfy me. We walked for thirty minutes till we got to a grassland. “Dear, let’s lie on the grass and count the stars just like Nala and Simba did in The Lion King” I suggested. I mean if mere Lions could be that romantic, Nigerian men have no excuse! I was such a hypocrite to suggest that because;

  • Watching or counting the stars is BORINGGGGGG especially when there’s no suya to munch away.
  • I hate counting anything if its not money.
  • I am extremely poor in mathematics.

Loverboy might dump me right there when he realises I don’t know how to count anything from 11 above. Luckily for me they were only seven visible stars that night. I was safe.
Everything was going on well until sand flies gate crashed our little party. I must have murdered over fifteen sand flies. Then I heard him scream. “What’s that Loverboy?” “Its papa o, it has bitten my nose” The boss of insects has arrived I thought. I hope you all know papa is that annoying little insect that is always in a bad mood. “Let’s go home” I felt bad Loverboy was in so much pains. We started the long walk back. A few metres walk and we heard a deep voice “Who goes there” Arrrgghhh!!! Nigerian agberos won’t even let someone be romantic in peace. Two huge agberos walked up to us. One of them brought out a knife “oya give me your phones” Luckily for me I was not with a phone. He took Loverboy’s phone and ordered us to run like Lot’s wife without looking back. The next day, Loverboy boy’s swollen nose from the insect bite reminded me of the pyramid of Egypt. One look at him and I vowed never to force a Nigerian man to be romantic.

Fantasy 10; Long walks with loverboy ✗✗✗

Culled from Naijasinglegirl.net

*****            ******

Weve finally come to the end of this brilliant hillarious series. A huge thank you to the original author @naijasinglegirl who gave sheedart the permission to dub it…More ink to your pen..uhn…abi long lasting life to your laptop battery.. And a big thank you to yall avid readers and commenters, I appreciate the time..- sheedart.

You can read more of this on naijasinglegirl.com

2 thoughts on “Romance in Nigeria the Hollywood Way 3

  1. Lolz. The MTN shii is so annoying but still, some of us beat those mad-asses to it.

    Na wa for you o. Where exactly do you and the lover boy reside? Wassup wid all em agberos?! Y’all better upgrade ehn! But seriously now, long walks are so achievable. Night or evening, you can still do your thing.

    I’m only ticking out the road trips.


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