Next, I loved the way they dance, play, hold hands, hug and kiss under the rain in Hollywood movies. I yearned for that with my Nigerian lover. First of all, if I tried that here, my neighbours will think I’m developing early symptoms of madness. The elders in my streets will stay by their windows and warn us of pneumonia. Then I thought of the sort of rain that falls in Nigeria. The rain here does not have conscience. Torrential downpour with lots of thunders that wrecks everything in sight. If the gods are angry with us, they might send thunder to strike my lover and I to death while we are busy whispering ‘sweet nothings’ under the rain. Once we get to Heaven’s Gate, Angel Gabriel is going to bounce us to hell for displaying such foolishness on earth.
So Fantasy 2; Dancing in the rain ✗✗✗
Next, I wanted to lie down in this sort of 69-like romantic position with my lover and just cuddle like it happens in twilight movies. But
you know a Nigerian man stomach is full of isiewu, a whole fish, quarter goat, eggs and fufu. I could not put my nose at risk with the bonuses that might come in form of atomic bombs.
Fantasy 3; 69 cuddling position ✗✗✗
Next, I thought of running around with my lover in circles like it happens in Hollywood movies. Sadly, these Nollywood guys here have made me detest that particular act. In Nollywood romance movies, they meet on Monday, run around in circles on Tuesday and on Wednesday the girl is already pregnant. I lost interest after seeing a movie of Mr Ibu chasing Mercy Johnson in a village square while her big boobs were bouncing like there’s no tomorrow. That sort of romance is just for mumus jare.
Fantasy 4; Running around with lover in circles ✗✗✗
Next, I wanted a situation where I’ll be on flight to the Caribbeans or some other exotic place and when I look out of the window in MMIA runway, I’ll see my lover chasing the plane just to tell me he loves me or beg me for a second chance. Problem is, my life is so boring and I don’t even get to travel in bicycles, talk more of air planes. Aside that, all the men that admired me back then were as wretched looking as stowaway kids. Meaning, if they catch their type in the Airport, SSS will just assume they are looking for a plane to hang on to and an arrest will be made immediately. If I am less lucky, my lover’s local government chairman or PDP might offer Loverboy a scholarship and he might think he deserve a society girl with his new found wealth. I might end up as the biggest loser of the century.
Fantasy 5; Chasing after my plane to tell me sweet nothings ✗✗✗
Next, I wanted to give or receive breakfast in bed particularly on weekends. I totally forgot in hollywood movies, breakfast comes in form of pancakes, crackers biscuits or a slice of bread. Lest I forget, the above ‘dusts’ are usually served with coffee. Coffee? Does it even sound Nigerian? Nescafe is more like it. That drink is like agbo, if not worse.. A Nigerian man would prefer beer with bread for breakfast which is not cool at all. Aside that, breakfast in bed is almost impossible to give when some men snore up till 1pm on weekends. By 1pm, a typical Nigerian man stomach does not want to see anything except its ‘swallows’, That means a girl has to offer eba/ pounded yam with draw soup to her lover.How is eba romantic? And Are we going to call that lunch in bed?
Fantasy 6; Breakfast in bed ✗✗✗
Next, in Hollywood movies, unmarried couples do really passionate romantic stuffs in every part of the house unlike in Nigeria where ‘fornication’ takes place in the bedroom. A man is more likely to suggest this sort of romance so I’ll be facing the men squarely.
Guys, don’t even think of making love in the kitchen in Nigeria especially when your kitchen is small and it looks as ugly as a shrine. Here is what’s gonna happen..
The chances of hot water splashing on your erect penis are high.
You think you were super horny? Wait till one of the soldier ants join you. One bite on your scrotum will make you forget something like sex exists for the next three months.
Nothing turns women off like the sight of a flying cockroach. Trust me, these creatures will be hovering around during that process.
You might arouse the kitchen rat’s libido, the real owner of the kitchen. Its most likely you might open your eyes to watch the rat biting your lover’s nipples.
It won’t be fair if you attempt to kill the rat after all you men say you love threesomes.
Thus, Fantasy 7; Making love in the kitchen ✗✗✗
To be Continued……
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